Understanding Boundaries & Consent – From my perspective
Over the last few weeks, I have had a number of gentlemen who have contacted me after seeing one of my ads and wanting to be friends, or want me to be their girlfriend, or even just hook up for free. I have also had a number of gents contacting me and getting irritated at me because I choose not to offer certain services such as threesomes with their mates.
Now I want to talk about boundaries and consent because I think its important to discuss it. Yes I am a sex worker. Yes I get paid cash in return for sexual services. But I still am allowed to set boundaries and expect that even though there is a cash transaction I still need to consent on what we are doing together.
Lets start with boundaries. Things such as asking about my relationship status, if I have children, do I live alone or with someone, what is my real name, pushing me to do services I have said no to, pushing for services without condoms when I have made it clear they aren’t on offer, and the list goes on. I, like many others in this industry have set boundaries in place for privacy, because we have limits, because there are things we may not be comfortable doing, maybe because providing certain things make us feel unsafe so we don’t offer it, there are many reasons why we have our boundaries in place. As a “client” it is up to you to respect those boundaries. They generally aren’t up for negotiation. And honestly you really shouldn’t get offended if we state that we don’t want to discuss certain parts of our lives or don’t offer certain services, want to only be contacted a certain way etc. These boundaries aren’t in place to offend or upset you, they are to make our time together go smoothly and be as enjoyable as possible for us both. The minute you start pushing the boundaries you make it difficult to be able to enjoy your company, why? Because if you cant respect the boundaries we have in place how do we know you aren’t going to keep pushing until you get what you want, and then things become unsafe. So, as a gentlemen caller, If we have boundaries in place all we ask is that you respect them and don’t try and negotiate them.
Now lets talk consent. When you contact an escort to spend time with her/him, remember that paying for a service doesn’t give automatic consent. Understand that consent is more then just a yes or no. Its respecting boundaries. Its understanding that during our time together, chances are we have discussed what is and isn’t on offer prior to your booking together. So if an escort tells you on the phone No I don’t offer that, it means that you don’t have consent to do that particular thing. When your spending time together your escort will have discussed their boundaries with you. What you can and cant do with them. So part of consent is that you respect those boundaries because by not respecting them, you are showing that you don’t understand that just because your paying for someones time doesn’t mean you automatically have their consent and by not respecting boundaries or the fact you still require an escorts consent to go ahead with various activities means you are getting into non consent areas and this is where things can go south quickly. So remember – Respect, Understanding boundaries and Getting Consent prior to and during our time together will ensure you have a good time.
So at the end of the day remember that while we will be friendly and interested in you during our time together we just ask that you respect the boundaries we have in place and to remember to have consent during all activities, and if you aren’t sure ask, we wont be offended we will appreciate it.
What You Can Learn From Sex Workers About Consent – Womanist Musings
What is sexual consent? – Reachout.com
Understanding Sex Work in an Open Society – Open Society Foundation
“Sex workers are experts at sexual consent” – Femifesto Website
Sex workers and sexual assault – Consented
What Consent Looks Like – Rainn
With Sex Workers Too, Rape Is Still Rape – Sexuality Policy Watch
Understanding Consent – No one asks for it
Sex Workers Share stories of clients using the “L” Word – Harlot Media